Do you ever feel like you're a copy? That all pieces that add up to be you were gathered from other people? That there is no original part that belongs to just you? How does that happen?
I know I'm an individual. I'm sure my children, DH and family members could loudly and succinctly tell you all about how I'm unique (said with the eyelids all the way up, shaking the head lightly from side to side in a slightly bewildered fashion.) I do things a certain way. Don't we all? I like this, you like that. Unique. It's not a bad thing. But its certainly a different word than someone describing you as 'oh, she's so Sweet!' (crinkling their eyes as they say it, smiling in that happy way that makes you feel like the person they're talking about could possibly be your long lost soul mate you never knew you needed, until now.)
Being an individual but yet trying not considering myself a copy of others, as it pertains to art, is a hard thing for me. I don't feel like an original. I feel like everything I ever think of making or attempting is because I saw it somewhere, someone's blog I stalk showed a similar thing or the styles are synonymous with some one or some magazine I read.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting. Waiting for the real 'me' to pop out and take over and rule the studio. Not having to worry 'oh this piece is so like what so and so makes.' I've been paralyzed by this feeling lately that I really haven't stepped foot in my studio for almost 3 weeks now. I have a room full of supplies just begging to be used but I can't seem to formulize an original idea. No amount of magazine reading, avoiding art doing something else, or relaxing is going to fix this.
This post is turning into one of my normal self-analyzing sessions I can tell. I think I place too much emphasis in my brain on being original. I know, we gather inspiration from everywhere, but it seems to me, if I'm really an artist, art will pop out of me like a newborn baby. I won't have to borrow it from anyone. Probably an irrational idea I'm sure.
The lovely Miss Fanciful Twist was speaking today about living from the inside out. Her post made me think really hard (as usual. She is my morning therapy in a bottle.) I started wondering, what opinions of myself, my life and art are influenced by outside forces? What do I really think of myself? Do I want to embrace the person that I am on the inside, regardless of what others might think? That's a hard question. It requires not caring about what people think. I can tell you right now, many many people have blogs just for the express purpose of sharing what they make so they can hear feedback and praise, to speak to their self-doubt and waffling esteem. I know, because I'm sure I'm one of them at times. We all want to be accepted. We all want to be loved. I'm thinking I've been looking at life all the wrong way. Worrying about if this person or that truly cares about me. It doesn't matter. Not really. We have to love ourselves first. I might have forgotten how to do that. I'm going to work on it this week though. Making a list of things I love about me. Another list of what matters to me most, not what others think should matter. As Miss Twist says, I need to fill my life with what I love.
Stay tuned while I figure it all out. What do you love about yourself? Real things, not what you think others want to hear. What matters most to you? What do you need to fill your life with love?
(Note: Pics are of things found in my studio.)