First Memory...

Poor poor Karen from Creative Therapy. I told her I was blocked and couldn't get anything done for the challenge. She asked me to try. I guess its a busy weekend for all the catalyst creators (do we have a title actually?) Anyway, I decided to try to work on that canvas I mentioned earlier that was giving me trouble. Not the pink background beach/centipede piece. No. The piece I was working on before I gave up and did that. (You can see on the piece where the transfer technique I tried failed. It left ink and whatnot all over the bottom pic plus ruined the look of the top pic, bottom right corner. I painted over it and kind of like it at least.) The topic for the upcoming Creative Therapy challenge is 'First Memory'. Here's my piece, and journaling. Be kind, I suck at painting so we've agreed to call it an abstract of the beach. I'm seriously considering lessons so I can draw and paint someday...

Journaling:
I think the first memories I have are from when I was about 2 or 3. I remember holding my mom's hand and walking up a hill lined with flowers. Mom tells me its the street our apartment was on in San Clemente, California. I remember lots of sun; we were probably heading to the beach. At the time I was an only child, my dad was stationed at the Marine Corps. base and we frequented the beach. I don't have many pics of my dad from that time because he was always behind the camera. He took the gorgeous photos used in this piece. I'm almost positive that those early memories fostered in me my overwhelming love of the beach. Oh, I don't like the heat, and I don't like to swim in the ocean. But I could sit on the beach all day and dunk my toes in the sandy water. And there is nothing like a sunset on a beach. Once you've seen one, I can't imagine how you would want to be anywhere else. I'm not really sure why I live in the middle of the country except to be near family. The beach is always calling to me. Someday I will answer the call and go live by the ocean.

Artist Block from, well, you know where...

Who me? Yeah me. I am seriously blocked artistically. Big time. Like there is a semi sitting on me. With little evil elves standing on top of it. Hopping up and down to make sure the semi stays in place. They're twittering all their little evil elf friends to come join them and hold my arms down so I can't rip the semi off me. Won't let me do anything. I have had the largest artist block of my life. I know, people say 'just relax, read mags, watch tv, do something else and it will come back.' And to that I say, 'Nuh Uh!' I keep trying to work through it but I've amassed a pile of work that is all unfinished. Only a few have made it to completion. I think I may just have too much crowding my mind. Anyway, I thought to share all the uncompleted projects so that others know, no one is perfect. We all have times of struggle. I hope the evil elves are leaving you alone so you can be highly creative.

Pages for a Fairy/gods/dragons type altered book.
1. 1st 2 I gave up on. Felt like I was in Kindergarten, doing art while watching the Smurfs. Wasn't working for me.
2. 2nd set of pages I quit on. I thought adding a drawing I did of a fairy would be great. I found a fairy online and sat and drew it. The whole set of pages are just ugly. Even my children said so. Bleck.
3. I'm moderately happy with this 'gods & goddesses' set of pages. They were a headache and a half. I tried a Claudine Hellmuth technique involving Dish Rinse to make the background streaky red. It caused so much trouble, the top images wouldn't stick to it until it had dried for 2 days. And I could have just swiped paint on and incurred the same results. I may use her technique for other things though. I think they just need a bit of stamping and they'll pass the muster. I refuse to make any more for this book. Can't. Won't.



I was working on a piece for Creative Therapy (I'll post it tomorrow) and was getting no where fast. The transparency image I was trying to transfer smear. All over my canvas and pics. I scraped it off. Then my printer wouldn't print anymore images. I was going to print a transparency again and just tack it on. Nope. So I gave up. Grabbed another canvas and started throwing paint on it. It was either that or start throwing things. I quit on it too. I'm 'sorta' liking its composition so I may come back to it at sometime. Maybe make the pier not look like a centipede at least. lol



I've had these 6x6" canvases with painted backgrounds sitting around forever. I pulled them out this week and painted on them. Since I'm so blocked, I pulled up ads to look at. The 'Who Me' piece is inspired by an Anthropolgie ad. I believe its actually finished, hallelujah. The Park piece, the tree was inspired by a recycle article. The bench I painted from a real bench pic. If you notice all the greyish stuff in the void, I keep trying and erasing a title for the tree piece (oh yeah, and oil pastels don't like you to erase pencil.) Haven't found anything I like yet. Any suggestions?




I think I'm sufficiently done complaining for the evening. Have a wonderful Sunday!

Revolve

Let me tell you a little thing about God and people and the universe. HE KNOWS. He knows everything. He knows what you need, when you are down, what you are going through. He knew, before I even hit my breaking point this week that it was coming. He just sat back and watched me self destruct, trying to do everything on my own power and strength. And then, when I was done, he stepped in. He brought me a call from a long lost friend. He whispered in my DH's ear that I needed quiet time. He directed a friend to send me a package. She may not know it was him, but I do. He's helped me everyday this week with the down moments to take a deep breath and remember he's got me in the palm of his hand. He knows all the hairs on my head, and how many stars are in the sky.

This week I'm doing things that don't overwhelm me. If I feel like cleaning the basement (one of the things on my list because we're trying to move), I do that. When I get overwhelmed, I leave the basement and go to my art room or watch TV. I cleaned my art desk until it felt overwhelming and then I went to watch the kids do leaf prints out back. Nice relaxing. It's all a matter of balance. I think I felt I had this huge list of things I want to get done, need to get done and I wasn't doing ANY of them. None. Instead of doing some and putting some by the wayside, I was rejecting them all until the point where I couldn't stand it anymore. I can't be creative when my brain is filled with too much 'to-dos' and worrying about things I can't fix. I know this sounds trivial I'm sure but to me it was a big thing. I never get depressed.

Today has been a good day though. I went through 5 boxes in the basement, cleaned my art desk and finally finished a canvas (YES Rhonda, I did it!) Hallelujah. It's a start. I also ordered 4 birthday gifts and paid some bills online. The girls spent the day painting, doing schoolwork/math, listening to unabridged Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and laying and reading in the yard. Ahhh, I love spring days.



And just to share...
Remember my Paris Swap partner Angela from last month? Well, she took it upon herself to send me a lovely box of 'destash'. Extras to her were wonderful additions to me! Lots of beads, a bag of old ornament balls, shells, gorgeous fabric and so much more. She even threw in 3 containers of 35mm film. I was just at the store last night and dd wanted more film but I told her we couldn't get it this time. Trying to watch the pennies. She did a little happy dance and said she loved my friend! lol



My canvas: Yes, I finished one. 16x20". It took me awhile since I was so blocked this week. But I really like the finished look. Last weekend I went with mom and my sister in laws to breakfast and some boutique window shopping. Kind of a pre-mother's day outing. One store was amazing. Had all sorts of items made by local and other artists. One artist's work I couldn't quit staring at. He/she had collaged on a canvas, added sticks along the bottom, and had made a fabric canvas pocket with a wire wrapped hula girl inside. Then had wrapped black wire around the piece in large grid style. I loved it! It inspired the beginnings of this piece. This 'Revolve' canvas is a reminder to me. God & family are all that matters. It's not such a huge deal if I don't get the basement clean today or the dishes done or if I just read magazines instead of do art. My family needs me. They need me sane and happy and productive. Family is most important to me. There will be time and energy for everything I want/need to accomplish eventually.


Vintage images by: http://www.alteredpages.com

Greener Pastures

Update: I know I'm still working through some things still but today I feel 10 times better. I rec'd the most wonderful comments so far on the last post as well as several private emails that really made me smile. I think sometimes you just hit a bottom. It may not be the bottom-ist of bottoms but its where YOUR limit is, and its when you know you need to talk about it. I guess that's what I was doing last night.

As some have suggested, I did several things for myself today that really helped:
1 - painted layers on a canvas, with my hands (favorite paint brushes)
2 - painted a barbie doll red (really seemed like good therapy. lol)
3 - decided to take one thing at a time
4 - booked a hotel and 4 tickets to the beach for July.
5 - forgave myself

I rec'd a phone call out of the blue this morning from a dear friend whom I haven't talked to in months. She doesn't read my blog, she just decided to call. It really set the tone for my day. Life can always be worse I think. I'm finding greener pastures today.

Psalm 23: 1-3
The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Image by: www.elarabiphotography.com

rant

I made a list today of all the things bugging me. I'm not normally one to skirt near depression, I'm the one who picks up others by their bookstraps, kicks them in the rear and we smile again. No, I'm not the happy-go-lucky fairy but I do lean towards a happier demeanor. This has been a strange year for me. I think last year all I did was homeschool and art. Everything else fell by the wayside. I was busy but happy. Yes, my housework suffered but we lived. However, this year homeschool had to take the forerunner position. First year of high school for dd and we had to be organized (plus don't forget the 3rd grader who needed more structure.) Oh sure, I've fit in some artwork here and there, projects, challenges and gifts. But my bouts of marathon 'arting' trying new things, working from dawn til dusk have been a thing of the past. I think I'm suffering because of it. Or it's at least part of my blahhhness. I feel out of wack. Unsettled. Old. I can't stand the noise around here anymore, I long for nights of quiet time, vacations by myself. When I try to do art, I suck at it. I feel like I've lost that vortex of creativity I was working so hard towards. I know there are seasons in life. Maybe this is my season of non-art. But it sucks. And I can feel it sucking the life out of me.

I don't update my etsy, I don't update my blog or myspace. I haven't uploaded to Flickr in weeks. I haven't visited or commented on any of my RSS feed of blogs in forever. My family is suffering through my crankiness, they call me crabby. I have no urge to do a single thing. I walk into a room intent on cleaning it and walk right out. Same with the artroom. I walk in here to create, take one look at the mess and disorganization, no place for everything and I walk out. I'm trying to fill my blahhness with new magazines, hoping they will inspire some spark of get-up-and-go but so far, nothing. I'm serious. I feel like running away from home but then I"ll just end up coming back to it all. I feel like I'm letting my family and myself down and I don't know where to go from here. I guess UP would be a start. lol

Does anyone ever feel this way? How do you work your way out of it?

P.S. This isn't normally what I share on my blog but its mostly the reason WHY I haven't been sharing anything anywhere, so I decided to post. I guess I'm just normal. Everyone has bad days, weeks, months, years.

Maybe painting will help. I'm off to do just that...